funnily,
i thought of this space, almost exactly a year later.
so is my mood.
maybe i tend to feel this way during the last month of the year.
i feel really bad, i dont know what to do to make it right again.
maybe it was never right.
i dont know why i am what i am now.
i dont know if its too bothering.
its pretty much a chaos. my life right now is a chaos.
if i am this rotten, why am i still here?
i dont deserve a life. or is life after death, too good a place for me?
i dont want to be this pessimistic. i dont know why i am this pessimistic.
i know ultimately, nobody will care at all. because they get sick of my nonsense.
but you know, i cant help it.
i have no one to turn to.
i resort to writing, but it seems like its wrong again.
i was merely talking to myself.
i saw a depressed soul today. the scars on her, the look she had on her face.
no, i dont want to be like her.
it's terrifying. it is.
how can i walk out of this alone.
you said you'll be here, will you really be?
or when time ripe, you aall will choose to ditch me again?
who do i probe my questions to?
why am i they way i am.
why i tell myself to change, but it aint changing.
you know thats why i want to get out of here.
i want a new life somewhere, where nobody knows me.
i hope to start afresh.
and she say GOODBYE..{/11:45 AM}
omg.
split is here again, i killed the other half.
i hope everyone forgets this space because i'm rather lazy to start a new one.
if you ever enter this link accidentally, pls do ignore this lunatic here. :)
somehow, i believe one knows when he/she is dying.
there's many things i believe in too.
previous life, after death, the death visiting those they missed.
maybe im superstitious, i'm not denying it, nor admitting. HAHA.
that's because, i dont know when i'm dying yet.
sometimes i feel life is the end, but it's not.
so maybe, there isnt such a thing.
life is really fragile, like the heart of one.
so in case im gone, maybe 10 years down the road or anything.
please remember me. i known i've been bad.
like ive said before im not a saint, and of cos i'm not perfect.
but i hope people rmb my goods.
it's better for you, because there's lesser to rmb.
it's not hard isnt it?
when the wind blows, rmb my good.
when it rains, rmb my tears.
when it's bright & sunny, remember the lovely times we once shared.
maybe it is a phase of life, the phase of growing up and old.
when you look back, the paths you had taken might not be right. but you can't erase those foot steps away, the way i cant erase my mean doings from your mind. the way i shouted at you, my loves, the way i made you feel like killing me, the way i made you fumed. esp the way i said things. we all know, we are all so reserved, we dont tell each other how much we loved each other, or how handsome or pretty you looked. we are all stingy people on good comments, generous in the mean.
everyone had been great, no one had tried to kill me after all my doings.
i'm a pain in many's neck.
i'm stubborn and i know i have this attitude.
i cant change it because it doesnt make me, me.
the way i spend money like water even though my family is poor.
the way i say things out harshly because i dont feel like talking.
the way i look at you when im mad.
the way i blogged things out irregardless of the consequences.
i know many think that im childish. many think that spaces like this are for happier things. but in my sense, it's fake, somehow people chose to censor things away. no one can only blog about the happy stuffs, because your life is not all happy actually. because my brain is of pea size, because i'm not magnanimous enough to forget the bad in life, i have to pen things down here. of cos i could have made this private, and so yes, a part of me somewhere yearns for attention because i nv had one. because i can never get attentions in the positive ways, thus i chose the negatives. i know this is not wise, but this is me. if you cant stay, pls leave but if you want my attention too, you can jolly well stay. HAHA.
i'm going to say how much i love everyone who had been here in my life.
my flowers, not forgetting the grasses, everyone including my enemies, long lost friends. be it laughters, tears, anger, frustrations or even gossips you brought into my life. my life will never be my life without the participations from all of you. you all made me real, too real infact. no matter how disapprove of me you are, how much you dislike me, i still want to thank you. i love all those who onced loved, or are still loving me.
i won't say life is perfect, nor my life is great, but there isnt any regrets if i were to die now. not like why am i not a millionaire when i die, or why am i not ms singapore yet kinda stuff.
we always say we want to cherish every moment in life, but we had never done so.
i dont think anyone can do that, actually.
in life,
my lost is your gain,
my gain is your lost.
everyone cannot be happy altogether.
therefore, nobody is always happy, nobody is always mad.
this is so random, im not going to make it sound philosophical anyway.
deni jus reminded me this.
she once told me that she wanted everyone to die after her, so she beg for pardon.
but for me, i need to beg for more pardons, because i hope everyone will die together. the end of world of something. when no one will cry for the deceased.
and if there really is after death.
we will all be in the same world again, 'life' resumes somehow.
so one week.
i give myself one week to enjoy my life to the utmost.
we shall see where it will lead to.
jus one week.
i'll be different.
i promise.
because we once cared too much, so we should care less to make things better.
because how i've never made things right,
because how we looked too much into the past.
because how things will never be the same, because nothing can ever be the same.
we are moving, changing, growing.
what a wonderful gift from god.
lives.
many a times, nobody wants to listen to me.
and this may be the only way out.
and she say GOODBYE..{/5:41 PM}